Satan’s Penis, and the Christians who Love to Hate It

In case you were wondering, there are actual books out there that have meticulous classified details about the penises of Satan and other spirits. Part of the Summa Theologiae (1485) even discusses whether Satan or other spirits can possess physical forms or not. This was later expanded upon in Malleus Maleficarum (1486/7) which ultimately determined that, though demons may take on the appearance of a living body, it is a total material fabrication. If you find out a demon has impregnated you, its likely by using stolen human semen (FYI).

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Excerpt from A Mind of Its Own: A Cultural History of the Penis

“The Devil’s penis was the obsession of every Inquisitor and the “star” of nearly every witch’s confession. The women invariably said it was cold but there was disagreement on other details. Some located his penis at his rear. Some said he had two, other that it was forked. Most reported it was black and covered with scales. Several said “there was nothing where scrotum and testicles should be hanging.” One likened the Devil’s penis to that of a mule, which the Evil One constantly exposed, so proud was he of its massive size and shape. The Devil’s ejaculate was said to exceed that of one thousand men. But others claimed his penis was smaller than a finger and not even as thick. This lead a French Inquisitor to guess that Satan served some witches better than others… These confessions say something about the fantasies of women, but they reveal much more about the anxieties of men, especially those regarding their defining organ.” (Emphasis mine).

What was once in pagan times a symbol of creative power, virility and force, became the shameful icon of Man’s sinful and disgusting body (according to the Christians, poor blokes!). The reason the Virgin Mary was considered the ideal for all women and mothers was because she had never had contact with the defiling, monstrous and icky penis!!!
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Research taught me that Germans really, REALLY thought the Devil was carting his giant cock around in a wheelbarrow.
A witch might have sex with Satan numerous times, feeding him the children she bore or using them for wicked spells.
Satan’s bestial schlong. Intimidating the celebate clergy for centuries.
Satan’s dick has a personality all its own. Hey just like mine! Detail of exterior of Lincoln Cathedral.
Priapus from a mural in Pompeii’s House of the Vettii. Possible (definite) inspiration for the imagery surrounding Satan’s dick. And yet another Christian perversion of noble, and more ancient themes.

Hijacking Satan, Church Propaganda in Medieval Florence

In the magnificent baptistery of the Duomo of Florence, there is a master work of the Infernal Majesty of Satan and the fallen angels, eagerly munching the tenderest parts of the damned. This may be one of the earliest artistic versions of Satan as the Pan-like devil we know Him as today.

This, and Marcovaldo’s other 13th century works incorporate a blend of Byzantine and Romanesque styles, popular in Tuscany in the time. But this image of Satan is something quite new, though old. These devils are a frightening hybrid of the Satyr and a more ancient god in Tuscany, Fufluns.

These pagan deities, whose domains were merriment, orgiastic revelries and having a good time in general, are now demonized to represent the downfall of sinners, and the mysterious fits of ecstasy of the Cult of Dionysis, only known by this time in rumors or works of Greek tragedy like Euripedes’ Bacchae, were now the Church’s tool of the imagination, used to keep the masses scared and afraid, and so obedient.

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Hell is BADASS

Taking a quick look at some of the ghoulish and misshapen figures, you might think this is something by Hieronymus Bosch. It’s actually a commissioned religious piece by Master van Eyck. Take a moment to appreciate the horrors of the pits of Hell that this man painstakingly rendered in the smallest detail:

 
Death looms over the Abyss with bat-like wings. Note with delight the amount of clergymen you can spot by their headdresses or tonsured hair. Very gratifying.

Meanwhile, this motherfucker is wearing some sort of flesh-crown and smiling with painful glee, while his ghoulish, fanged belly devours the ass of some sinner, all the while triggering your deepest trypophobia.

Here a Lovecraftian child of Dagon is fighting with a bear monster over who is going to get wing or the thigh of the next sinner entree.

Yes, people of the ancient world had imaginations just as fucked up as we do today, as you can tell by these demonic creatures that would look right at home in a Hellraiser movie.

Shawn Thornton’s Psychedelic Art

Artist Shawn Thornton’s experience with cancer in his pineal gland during art school lead to the creation of six psychedelic paintings of true weird beauty. While I personally am not convinced in any way that DMT is concentrated or secreted by the pineal gland (There is NO proof, people. Descartes postulated the gland was the seat of the soul. You’re trying to fill in the gaps of the DMT experience by falsely correlating it to Descartes’ idea!), still his art is magnificently appointed with psychedelic themes, which you know I love!

 

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12th Century Medical & Herbal Collection

This beautifully appointed manuscript describes over 200 plants and animals with medicinal (and magical) properties, in multiple colors and gold and silver.

Included in the collection is cannabis. Based on the style of the illumination (compared to its actual morphology), it’s likely the illustrator was basing their image off of a description alone, from hearsay or from another written source. Herodotus mentioned the use of hemp by the Scythians in 400BCE. Cannabis was just starting to become known to Europe in this century, by way of contact with Arab sources.

Translation mine:

Name of this herb: Cannabis. This herb grows in harsh places, and next to roads, and bound to fences. It’s main use is for consecration (fanandum)…

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Herbal Riot

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