Satan’s Penis, and the Christians who Love to Hate It

In case you were wondering, there are actual books out there that have meticulous classified details about the penises of Satan and other spirits. Part of the Summa Theologiae (1485) even discusses whether Satan or other spirits can possess physical forms or not. This was later expanded upon in Malleus Maleficarum (1486/7) which ultimately determined that, though demons may take on the appearance of a living body, it is a total material fabrication. If you find out a demon has impregnated you, its likely by using stolen human semen (FYI).

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Excerpt from A Mind of Its Own: A Cultural History of the Penis

“The Devil’s penis was the obsession of every Inquisitor and the “star” of nearly every witch’s confession. The women invariably said it was cold but there was disagreement on other details. Some located his penis at his rear. Some said he had two, other that it was forked. Most reported it was black and covered with scales. Several said “there was nothing where scrotum and testicles should be hanging.” One likened the Devil’s penis to that of a mule, which the Evil One constantly exposed, so proud was he of its massive size and shape. The Devil’s ejaculate was said to exceed that of one thousand men. But others claimed his penis was smaller than a finger and not even as thick. This lead a French Inquisitor to guess that Satan served some witches better than others… These confessions say something about the fantasies of women, but they reveal much more about the anxieties of men, especially those regarding their defining organ.” (Emphasis mine).

What was once in pagan times a symbol of creative power, virility and force, became the shameful icon of Man’s sinful and disgusting body (according to the Christians, poor blokes!). The reason the Virgin Mary was considered the ideal for all women and mothers was because she had never had contact with the defiling, monstrous and icky penis!!!
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Research taught me that Germans really, REALLY thought the Devil was carting his giant cock around in a wheelbarrow.
A witch might have sex with Satan numerous times, feeding him the children she bore or using them for wicked spells.
Satan’s bestial schlong. Intimidating the celebate clergy for centuries.
Satan’s dick has a personality all its own. Hey just like mine! Detail of exterior of Lincoln Cathedral.
Priapus from a mural in Pompeii’s House of the Vettii. Possible (definite) inspiration for the imagery surrounding Satan’s dick. And yet another Christian perversion of noble, and more ancient themes.

Hell is BADASS

Taking a quick look at some of the ghoulish and misshapen figures, you might think this is something by Hieronymus Bosch. It’s actually a commissioned religious piece by Master van Eyck. Take a moment to appreciate the horrors of the pits of Hell that this man painstakingly rendered in the smallest detail:

 
Death looms over the Abyss with bat-like wings. Note with delight the amount of clergymen you can spot by their headdresses or tonsured hair. Very gratifying.

Meanwhile, this motherfucker is wearing some sort of flesh-crown and smiling with painful glee, while his ghoulish, fanged belly devours the ass of some sinner, all the while triggering your deepest trypophobia.

Here a Lovecraftian child of Dagon is fighting with a bear monster over who is going to get wing or the thigh of the next sinner entree.

Yes, people of the ancient world had imaginations just as fucked up as we do today, as you can tell by these demonic creatures that would look right at home in a Hellraiser movie.

Young Witches in Britain, or The Golden Age of Witchcraft

Being a more “patriarchally” minded practitioner of magic, my opinion of Wicca has not always been a positive one. My rigid and narrow-minded Christian upbringing must have confined me to believing in a religion as valid, only if it had a mysterious and nebulous ancient origin. Wicca being a modern development (Thank you Mr Gardner), I took issue with what I perceived as artificial tradition.

I still don’t have much experience with Wicca apart from a bi-annual ritual gathering I attend, but I do appreciate it more now as I see it has inspired a new and growing revival of a modern brand of witchcraft. It is bringing young people back to nature, empowering women and the LGBT, and liberating society from the prison of the Church.

BBC Radio 1 released the short documentary below, interviewing five modern witches in Britain, who discuss the rising popularity of witchcraft in the West. We may truly be experiencing the dawn of a new Withcraft Revival, and that is definitely a good thing.

#witchesofinstagram 

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